heather_marsh08 (heather_marsh08) wrote in bigfatlosers,

Why do I do this to myself?

I don't understand myself sometimes...Evan (my fiance) is extremely overweight (320), and I have finally fessed up to him and told him that we both need to get healthy...we're both just going to get bigger and bigger if we don't change our eating habits NOW.We are doing this long-distance. I  live in Northern MN and he lives in Southern MN, yeah, not cool. Anywho. As far as I know, he is doing great! Me on the other hand...UGH. I FINALLY got myself to go to the gym yesterday after TWO MONTHS of not going, and all I did was 20 minutes on the eliptical, and then I left. Why ? I haven't got a clue. I came back to school, ate a healthy dinner (fruit and veggies, water), and then 9pm rolls around. I remember that I need to take by BC pill, but my purse is in my car. So, I head out to my car and suddenly "CHICKEN NUGGETS!" pops into my head...I get in the drivers seat, and go to McDonalds...what.the.heck. I just drove there and ordered a crap ton of food! Not JUST chicken nuggets! I wouldn't feel as guilty as I do if I would only have ordered chicken nuggets, but NO, I ordered a cheeseburger, large fries, AND a chicken nugget MEAL which comes with a drink AND fries! I spent almost ten dollars at McDonalds! I could have used that for gas money! OR, I could have just gone to Subway and got a wrap for LESS than that! GRRRR! I feel so guilty! I don't even want to tell Evan...he is doing so well, and I feel like I'm failing, as usual. I weighed in this morning at 256.6...I want to take some engagement photos this summer...but that WILL NOT HAPPEN if I don't lose at least 20 to 30 pounds by July or August. Also, I measured my waist this morning...roughly 52 inches...I held the tape measure in my hand and almost cried...I didn't realize how BIG 52 inches is...It really put things in perspective for me. I WILL do good today. I have to. Being a binge eater, food controls my life...literally. I am always thinking about food...its sick. I hate it, and I hate admitting it. So, I really need to start planning my meals. That is going to be my first step. Planning my meals and keeping a food journal. Hopefully I can stick with it. Also, yesterday I checked how many miles it is from my camps to the gym I go to...its 5 1/2 miles. I have NO excuse to not go to the gym everyday anymore. I was always making the excuse of "its too far"...HA...its five 1/2 miles away. NOT too far away...you're just lazy, Heather. Ok. I'm sorry for my rant...any encouragement would be great...yeah... =]

<3 Heather
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